A rehearsal of trust

D’var Torah

September 27

Part 1: High holidays unease

I’ve been feeling extra uneasy at the sight of the high holidays this year. 

This season usually brings up some anticipation but this year feels different. 

Of course, we’ve had all of September to get antsy. 

But it’s not just that. 

This year, it feels like the moral intensity, the communal reckoning, the life and death stakes, ll these pieces of the high holiday season, have been a bit too constant this year. 

I feel like I don’t need the call of the shofar to wake me up. 

I am seeing things every day about what’s happening in Palestine, Lebanon, Missouri, New York, with the recent sweeps in Oakland and in Berkeley - which keep me plenty awake. 

This year, I feel maxed out on existential reckoning. 

Part 2: A compassionate God

So, although the high holidays do offer an opportunity for reckoning. 

There is another thread in this season that I want to call on in this moment. That I want to explore with you all. 

It is this…

There is a lot that stands between us and forgiveness. 

But we know with certainty that we will get there. 

The path we must travel is serious and intense but at the same time, it’s supposed to be predictable. 

It’s like a long drive that we’ve done 100 times before. 

Not only is the path predictable but on the other side, God is waiting for us, with complete confidence that we will get there. 

God is waiting to welcome us with open arms into forgiveness and into a new year of life. 

How does it feel to imagine that kind of a journey ahead of you?

Part 3: The God of Justice?

Maybe it feels unlike the God we are used to. After all, where is the God of Judgement and Justice in this vision?

Maybe in some ways it feels like we need that God as well. 

We need God to visit judgement upon the leaders of our world. “If you aren’t protecting people, you’re done!” 

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During the high holidays, we call on God with the famed 13 attributes.

“The LORD! the LORD! a God compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in kindness and faithfulness, extending kindness to the thousandth generation, forgiving immoral acts, transgression, and sin” 

Although the 13 attributes end there, the original verse goes on: 

“yet He does not remit all punishment, but visits the immoral acts of parents upon children and children’s children, upon the third and fourth generations.”

That last line seems pretty significant. What we’re hearing in the full verse is that God both extends kindness to the thousandth generation and visit the immoral acts of parents upon the third and fourth generation. 

Our tradition is comfortable with this blatant contradiction. 

God,  the God of Compassion and Mercy, is also the God of Punishment. 

Maybe She is telling us She can be both. I can be merciful and I can be harsh, so let me know what you need. 

What do you need?

Part 3: Closeness 

The month we are in now that leads up to the high holidays is called Elul. We learn that the word elul is an acronym for the phrase “ani l’dodi v’dodi li”, a  phrase from Song of Songs that translates to “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”

Maybe the hidden-in-plain-sight meaning to this season, a time that can feel rattling in an already rattled moment, is intimacy.

It is only within the framework of love and trust that we can be honest. 

It is only when we know that we know that we will be met with forgiveness that our apologies are forthcoming. 

It is only when we know that we are safe that we can admit: this year was hard. I felt lost. We were not how we could be. We wish things could be different. We wish we could be different. 

Knowing that at the other end of the arc, we will be met with loving arms. 

Part 5: God loves the heartbroken 

The Ba’al Shem Tov teaches that in the palace of God, there are many secret chambers and there are secret keys for each chamber. But one key unlocks them all and that key is the ax. He likens the ax to the broken heart. 

There are many ways to get to God. Many ways to navigate this high holiday season. But brokenheartedness brings us close in a way nothing else can. It’s the high speed train.

It makes us vulnerable for God to be able to respond. 

And if we know that on the other side of the table is a responsive loving presence, we can be as fully brokenhearted as we really are. 

Part 6: Why do we need a rehearsal of trust for God?

What we need in this season is not just forgiveness. 

What we need is the repair of the trust between us and God. 

I am afraid to start the long drive because its been a long year of crashes, unsafe conditions, stalls and check engine lights. 

But we are in a different vehicle this time of year. We know it’s going to get us there safely, we know that the God we need is on the other side waiting for us, and we can cry as much as we need to on the way there.  

This journey helps us rehearse the kind of trust we want to feel. 

Where we have a safe space to admit that we are lost, tired, and scared

And we know that God will respond “Dear one, I see your broken heart, come close to me. You are already forgiven, you are already loved.”